quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
