Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
