Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
