They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
