just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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