I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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