i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
lol hangovers are for mortals.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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