between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize