Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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