Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
