I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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