We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
