What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
