how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I will be naked everywhere
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
