I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
