i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
