Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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