I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
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