Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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