found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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