i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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