whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize