Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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