If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
