Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
