The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
