nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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