Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
