so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
There's a naked man in my car right now.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
