Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
