this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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