she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
