he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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