Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
