dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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