Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
