whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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