I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize