please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
