Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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