He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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