Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Randomize
