I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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