My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
