Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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