so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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