wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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