Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
