I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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