I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
