The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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