I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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