A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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