she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
