Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
