Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
