So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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