i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
