Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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