So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
